caging demons

I’m weary. Exhausted. I’m a soldier fighting in a war I don’t believe in but have to follow orders just to survive. My soul is drained. Numb. Dark thoughts, twisted thoughts, obscene thoughts, they lurk in my head, my heart. One person knows this struggle, yet we cut ties years ago because they couldn’t handle the bad days. To be fair, I was barely human back then and I live with that regret every day. Caging demons is horrible, soul-wrenching work, but I did it.

My scars are invisible to most; a smile and a lie mask many wounds. No one sees the real me because I don’t let them. Years of self-inflicted isolation break me down into shameful versions of who I want to become. I have secrets begging to be confessed and I’m afraid people will run if they know my past. I’m afraid I’ll lose you. I’ve shown you glimpses of the darkness and you’re still here. But to believe in the light, it’s imperative to fully explore the dark. Sometimes the hero saves the villain instead of destroying them and I need you to realize it’s possible to be both.

I’ll admit there’s still a ruthless, violent, cold-hearted streak in my blood. It’s okay if it frightens you. It bothers me too. I’ve hit the bottom of that miserable way of life and I’m clawing my way out of the grave. I’d ask you to trust me, but no one hands over their heart that easily to someone like me. This trail of blood is my own and I hope that means something. You say I’m your dark angel, that you’re in awe of my transformation. I want to continue redeeming myself so I may be worthy of your affections. 

You don’t know this yet, but I love you, darling. More than love, to be honest, if that’s possible. You radiate such a soft, genuine light I can’t take my eyes off of you. I have this overwhelming urge to protect you and make you happier than you ever thought you could be. This world is too dark for a soul like yours. Let me be your guiding hand and shoulder to cry on. We can be the best versions of ourselves together.

I can see such a positive, bright future with you, love. I pray and hope you do too.

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